Maric Therin and the Sacred Ashes
by jankmaster98
Summary: When someone who likes Dragon Age and Monty Python and Holy Grail has too much time on their hands what do you get? Not a decent story that's for sure, but maybe you will want to take a look at this anyway. A strange crossover that was a result of too much Monty Python mixing with DA characters. Try to enjoy, please?
1. Migrating Free Marchers?

Maric Theirin and the Sacred Ashes

Performed by

Maric Theirin as King Arthur

Loghain Mac Tir as Patsy

Ser Jory as Sir Robin

Sten as Sir Lancelot

Alistair of the Grey Wardens as Sir Galahad

Wynne as the Enchanter

The killer nug Schmooples as the Killer Rabbit

Morrigan as the not a witch

Flemeth as the crazy bridge person

And the rest of the cast to be determined.

Lead writer Jankmaster98

_Am errk nogg Val tushna_

_Omg ttyl ma vehnan_

ex co writer Jankmaster98

_Why not vizit Orzumar this year?_

_Sea the leva flozing_

_watch out for broOntos_

co writer Jankmaster98

_I'm cerious a bronto once cilled mi sister_

_vell she das engraving lyrium on its skin with a metal pike_

_her brother srated in many nObles includeing Pasision of the Nug and the Paragon strikes bake._

**Sorry for the gibberish those responsible have been sacked**

Halla training jankmaster

Halla costuming jankmast98

Halla voice over audio jankmaster89

Brontos trained to deliever catering by Tim

Anything that represents anything or anyone from things related to Bioware or Monty Python are totally ridiculous and ludicrous. This is all original people I don't know why people think this is related to anything like that!

-Signed Knight Commander Meredith

**We apologize for the further fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for the sacking sacking those responsible have been sacked.**

Suggestive poses for the Halla suggested by Jankmaser98

New age music provided by the Circle Of Magi of Tevinter.

**We apologize again for the fault, those responsible for the credits have informed us they have been sacked. The remaining credits have been put together at great expense at the last minutes.**

* * *

Special thanks to Monty Python for making such an awesome movie

Everything written by Jankmaster98 and not beta'd or edited before hand. Don't like how I'm butchering both source materials? Sucks, write a review or something to leave your opinion.

Actually I lied about the beta thing this work has actually been edited by a team of tranquil nugs and a sylvan dancing troupe. An entire team of highly educated brontos was brought in to write the extended edition, but they were waylaid by a group of African Swallows who bombarded them with coconuts. The battle was long and terrible and resulted in the deaths of many teenage deep stalkers. Broodmothers have always stayed away from the Brecilian Forest ever since.

* * *

Ferelden 9:32 Dragon

Across the kingdom of Ferelden two fellows rode across the land. Okay when we say ride more like stride on foot, but anyway it was foggy and stuff. They approached a non distinct castle somewhere in Ferelden, the clopping of horse hooves followed the king where he went as he and strode up and stopped his entourage.

Maric: Whoa there!

Guard: Who goes there?"

Maric: It's I Maric Therein, son of Moria Therein from the castle of, um, I don't really remember the Stolen Throne is kind of vague but... King of the lowlands, defeater of Orlais, sovereign of all Ferelden!

Guard: Pull the other one!

Maric: I am? And this is my trusty servant Loghain.

Loghain: More like the person who does all the hard work and none gets of the credit.

Maric: You're just jealous I got the girl.

Loghain: Least I'm in the actual game that made this series popular.

Maric: Anyway, we have ridden the length and breadth of the land, in search of knights who will join me in my court at Denerim, I must speak to your lord and master!

Guard: What ridden on a horse?

Maric: Yes.

Guard: You're using coconuts!

Maric: What?

Guard: You've got two empty husks of coconuts and you're banging them together!

Maric: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. From the Free Marches, through-

Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?

Maric: We found them.

Guard: Found them? In the Free Marches? The coconut's tropical!

Maric: What do you mean?

Guard: Well this is a temperate zone.

Maric: When you have a world where magic is an established fact and dragons and griffons used to fly through the sky don't you think a coconut in the Free Marches is one of the more plausible things? Besides swallows fly north with the before the sun but they're not strangers to our lands!

Guard: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

Maric: Not at all, they could be carried.

Guard: What - a swallow carrying a coconut?

Maric: It could grip it by the husk!

Guard: It's not a question of where it grips it. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

Maric: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Maric from the court of Denerim is here!

Guard. Listen, in order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

Maric: Please!

Guard: Am I right?

Maric: I'm not interested

Other Guard Guy: It could be carried by a dragon, or a griffon, or maybe Tevinter swallow.

Guard: Oh, yeah, one of those maybe, but a normal swallow no way. That's my point.

Other Guard Guy: Yeah I agree with that.

Maric: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Denerim?

Loghain: We should just get out of here, this is going nowhere.

Guard: The thing is griffins and dragons are extinct and Tevinter Swallows are non migratory.

Other Guard Guy: Oh yeah..

Guard: So they coudn't bring on back anyway.

Deciding Loghain was right, they both quickly tired of the guards debate on swallows and continued on to the non descript castle and the non descript town near it.

Other Guard Guy: Wait! Supposing two Ferelden Swallows carried it together?

Guard: No they'd have to have it on a line.

Other Guard Guy: Well simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!

Guard: What held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

Other Guard Guy: Well why not?

And so ends the first iconic scene

* * *

A/N So this was just something that popped into my head after playing lots of Dragon Age and watching the one of the Funniest movies ever. Remember, anyone reads and doesn't review will be feed to the killer rabbit and blow up with the holy hand grenade on the count of Five!


	2. Help Help!

In this non descript village there was a nondescript alienage. Like all nondescript and some descript alienages this one had a plague running through it. And any good plague filled alienage has people with carts ready to haul away the dead elves.

Oghren: Bring out your dead!

Bring out your dead! Bring out your- sod it I'm not going to repeat myself nearly a dozen times as scenes of poverty are described! Forget this! I'm headed to Tapster's.

Shianni: Hold up! Here's one, here's your 9 copers.

Cyrion: I'm not dead!

Oghren: What.. What.. that?

Shianni: Nothing here's your copers.

Cyrion: I'm not dead!

Oghren: I may be drunker than usually but I'm pretty sure he said he wasn't dead...

Shianni: Nope this elf is dead. Dead as a darkspawn, here's your coppers.

Cyrion: I'm not!

Oghren: He isn't?

Shianni: Well he will be soon he's very ill.

Cyrion: I'm getting better!

Shianni: No you're not, you'll be Stone dead in a minute. Um no offense dwarf...

Oghren: What? What did you say about my asschabs?!

Shiani: Nothing!

Cyrion: I don't want to go on the cart!

Shiani: Oh don't be such a Vaughn uncle!

Oghren: Lady listen there's regulations against things sort of thing! Unless you'd be willing to, convince me...

Shiani: No! Maker No! Just, can't you take him and do me a favor?

Oghren: Listen elfy I've got rounds to make it's hard enough to make money as a surface dwarf but as a warrior dwarf it's even harder!

Shiani: Can you just wait a couple of minutes he won't be long. Look at him he's already got one foot in the grave.

Cyrion: I think I'll go for a walk...

Oghren: I've got to go to the Surana's house they've lost nine today.

Shiani: Well when's your next round?

Oghren: Thursday.

Shiani: Come on isn't there something you can do about him?

Cyrion: I Feel happy! I feel happy!

At this generally annoying elf Oghren decided to go back to his warrior roots and whacked the old sod with the pommel of his battle axe promptly ending the elf's already ending endingness.

Shianni: Right thanks, see you on Thursday.

They then noticed Maric and Loghain "riding" through the village clopping together coconuts as they went.

Shianni: Who's that?

Oghren: How the sod should I know, I think he's a king though.

Shianni: Why do you figure that?

Oghren: I maybe a little tipsy, but I don't see shit all over him.

* * *

Followed by his impressive theme music, King Maric and Loghain continued riding through the land until they spotted a large tower out in the middle of a Lake. He then saw what appeared to be an old woman judging by the dirty robes and long hair and decided to ask her some questions.

Maric: Old Woman!

Anders: Man!

Maric: Man sorry, what Bann lives in that tower over there?

Anders: I'm twenty seven.

Maric: What?

Anders: I'm twenty seven I'm not old.

Maric: Well I can't just call you "man"?

Anders: Well you could say "Anders".

Maric: I didn't know you were called "Anders".

Anders: Well you didn't bother to find out now did you?

Maric: I did say sorry about the old woman but from behind you looked-

Anders: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Maric: Well I am king!

Anders: Oh King now very nice, and how'd you get that? By exploiting the Mages! By hanging on to our dated Andrastian dogma which perpetuates the mage and mundane differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress...

Merrill: Anders there's some lovely mud over here! Oh, how do you do?

Maric: How do you do good lady? I am Maric king of the Fereldans. Whose tower is that over there?

Merrill: King of the who?

Maric: The Fereldans.

Merrill: Who are the Fereldens?

Maric: We all are! We are all Fereldens And I am your king!

Merrill: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were autonomous collective.

Anders: You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship of people of skirts, a self perpetuating autocracy in which the mages-

Merrill: There you go Anders bringing being a Mage into it again!

Anders: Well that's what it's all about! If only people would read my manifesto...

Maric: Please please good people, I am in haste, who lives in that tower?

Merrill: No one lives there.

Maric: Then who is your lord?

Merrill: We don't a'v a lord.

Maric: What?

Anders: I told you! We're an anarcho syndicalist commune. We take it in turns... Wait a minute. Does the joke really work anymore? Are we just copying and pasting Monty Python scripts with the names filed off now.

Merrill: I don't know... The jokes still work pretty well I think... I mean all it takes is the names to be changed and people will read this thinking with our voices.

Anders: But people could do that on their own!

Maric: Yes...

Anders: I'm just saying, this whole fanfic seems to be a useless piece of writing taking up valuable space on .

Maric: Be quiet.

Anders: I mean there's probably webcomics and pictures on deviantart already doing this-

Maric: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Merrill: Order? What? You're not a waiter, why would you be asking for an order?

Maric: I am your king!

Merrill: Well I don't remember voting for you...

Marics: The peasants don't vote for kings!

Merrill: Oh! Then how do you become king? Tell me tell me!

Maric: Well it's all very well documented in the Stolen-

All of the sudden Maric was hit will a flying coconut from the sky with this letter attached to it

Jankmaster: That's enough fourth wall breaking!

Maric: Um anyway... For years I led the fight for Fereldan independence against the dreaded Orleasians after the death of my mother. At the final climactic battle atop Fort Drakon I slew the usurper with the dragonbone blade I claimed in the Deep Roads! That is why I am your king!

Anders: Listen, killing people on top of towers, and having a dragonbone sword is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power must derive from a mandate from the masses, not some, barbaric system of dog eat dog!

Maric: Be quiet!

Anders: You can't expect to wield, supreme executive power because your random loot generator was better than the other guys!

Maric: Shut up!

As you can tell the king was very furious with the mage. He'd fought hard to kill a mad usurper king after all.

Anders: If I went around saying I was the Emperor of Orlais, just because I killed a chantry priest with a dragonbone toothpick, they'd put me away!

Maric: Shut up will you?! Shut up!

At this point the king had had enough of this mage and moved to use physical force to bring the rebel in line before he did something like blow up a chantry. Although the chances of a mage like this doing that were the same chances of him becoming a Grey Warden and merging with a spirit from the fade.

Anders: OH! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

Maric: Shut up!

Anders: Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help help I'm being repressed!

Maric: Bloody mage!

Anders: Oh what a give away did you hear that? That's what I'm on about! Do you see him repressing me? You saw it didn't you!

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Give me reviews... The Qun demands it!


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